Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
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