she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
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