Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
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