: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
