My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
