Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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