in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
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