she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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