Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
