what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Randomize
