Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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