just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
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