Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I hope mine doesn't look like that
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize