woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
