is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
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