i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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