Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Randomize
