Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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