trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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