I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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