I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
