I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Randomize
