Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize