we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize