I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
