The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
