omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
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