I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
