i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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