I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
