A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
