The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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