I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize