six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Randomize
