when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
