Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
