Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
