Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
