Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
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