I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize