Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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