We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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