He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
