I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
