Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize