so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
mondays should just be called national damage control day
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
