My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
