Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
