saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
