I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
