I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize
