Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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