I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
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