oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
