a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize
