I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Randomize
