Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
