i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
