This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
