I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
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