I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
