i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
