I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
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