Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
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