I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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