i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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