well I can't set my house on fire every night
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
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