last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Randomize
