it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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