this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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