fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
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