do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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