How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
