new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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