i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
What drink are we having for lunch?
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
