the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Randomize
