i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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