My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
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